My Lily

This has been a really tough week for me. Thursday my cat Lily was acting even stranger than usual. She's been sick with what we thought was her allergies acting up. But Thursday I had my nieces here and was very distracted all day and didn't check on her because she was hiding under the bed. I had put the food and water in my room because all the kitties were in there since they don't like to come out much when my nieces are here. Thursday night Joe pulled her out from her hiding spot so we could give her, her allergy meds. She was limp and not holding her head up, and could barely swallow the tiny pills she usually has no problem with. We put her next to the food bowls and when she tried to walk away she fell over.
We stayed up all night with her, even though she just laid on a blanket breathing shallow for most of the night. We did doze off around 6am, and when we woke up at 6:30 to get ready to take her to the vet she had moved from her spot. When we found her she had some fight in her and was walking and when we got to the vet she was doing even better. The vet did her exam and said she had a stroke and after an x-ray said the right atrium in her heart was enlarged. But she was opptomistic that the stroke was a small one and she could recover based off how she was acting at the moment. She even ate at the vets, and at one point jumped into my husbands lap and then walked around the exam room, before jumping back into her carrier. We were told to isolate her for a few day to allow her to rest and regain some more of her strength back in her legs. We checked on her even 15-20 mins on Friday. Sometimes she was sleeping, she devoured an entire can of wet food and even used the litter box. She was cuddly and responding to us with her usual raising of her butt when we scratched by her tail. She had a butt button.
I went to bed positive that night, she was going to be on a schedule of baby asprin for the rest of her life to break up the rest of the clot and to prevent more. But she would start to feel even better over the next few days and weeks. At 4:30am I was woken up by storms and since we had the 2nd bedroom window wide open I went to check on her again. She was sleeping in her usual way, not sprawled out like she had no control of her legs again. She liked to sleep curled up with her head resting on her chin. I petted her and she moved her head a bit, but she was asleep and it was normal for her to not pick her head up all the way when she was really sleeping. I closed the window to a crack since the rain was starting to come in. I hated doing it because the room would get stuffy, but I told my self the fan was on and it would only be for a few hours.
When I woke up at 10 my first thing was to check on her and open the window back up. She was no longer under the window sleeping, instead she was face first in a corner by some bins we have stored in there. She looked like she was stuck. When I picked her up, her breathing was shallow and fast. There was drool on her chin and she had her tounge sticking out a bit. I cuddled her in my arm and then tried to get her to drink some water. When I put her down she fell over. I took her to the front room and put her down to get some wet food. She just collasped in a lump on the floor. When I got the wet food she just rested her chin on the bowl and would not eat. It looked like she had had another stroke. After a few minutes of sitting by the bowl, she tried to get up and walk away, she made it a few steps around the corner of the couch, but then her left legs gave out and she fell over as she cried pitifully. I tried to remain calm, but Joe was at work and she was looking almost just as bad as Thursday night.
I scooped her up and brought her to my bed to comfort her. She seemed content on the bed and even though her breathing didn't inprove much, she had a peaceful look on her face. I called Joe and left him know what was going on. I sat with her on the bed for almost and hour. At one point she tried to get up, but her left front leg got stuck under her so she stopped. I thought she was just trying to get more comfortable. She never really liked laying on her side with her legs sticking out, So I helped her with her leg and she just laid her head on her paws. After the hour I moved her further towards the middle of the bed, that way she wouldn't try to jump off and hurt herself. I laid next to her and just petted her for a bit. She whined a little and I checked to see if her bladder was full. As soon as a I did that she started to make a terrible cry. I figured she needed to go potty. I got up to get her off the bed, but I wasn't fast enough, she went right there on my bed, crying the entire time. I called Joe because being pregnant I was scared to touch the poop, but I knew I couldn't let the pee soak in. I got a mask and gloves and picked her up and placed her on a big fluffy towel. I told her it wasn't her fault, it was mine. She just kept whimpering, I knew it was bad if she soiled herself. She was the cleanest cat I had ever owned. She would even cover up the other cats stuff in the litter box. I got everything off the bed and rushed it downstairs to the laundry room, crying the entire time. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her, I wouldn't be for a while.
She seemed much worse after that. Whenever I would pick her up, her head would flop backwards and her mouth would open like she was going to meow but instead her tounge would hand out and she'd start panting like she was hot. Her paws were getting colder and colder. She laid like that until Joe got home around 4pm. we had decided to continue with our plans to go to a friends bday party, deciding it would be good for us to get out of the house. I was already having trouble doing anything but staying with her, I even had to force myself to eat. I just prayed she would fight and get better like she did on Friday. I told her earlier that if she needed to go I understood, but I wanted her to fight. And I wanted her to stay alive until we got home.
We left the house around 5:30pm and both kissed her and said we would be home soon. When we got home at 11pm we walked into the room and turned the light on my heart sank. She wasn't breathing. I dropped to my knees, she was stifff and hard. Her eyes were closed. She was gone. I instantly felt overwhelming guilt at leaving her to die all by herself. Joe said she knew we loved her and that she probaly waited until she left so I wouldn't see her suffer and go. She was a selfless soul and loved me as much as I loved her. I'd like to believe that is what she did, because the guilt of leaving her alone in her final hours is too much on top of the horrid grief I'm feeling right now.
Joe said he would wrap her up in a blanket, but I needed to do it. I had already left her alone. We picked a quilt that she liked to sleep on. I gently lifted her and placed her in the middle of it and wrapped her up. We placed her on top of the shoe boxes in our closet. I know that seems odd, but that was one of her favorite places to sleep. The vet doesn't open till Monday and we will be taking her there first thing to get cremated. The ER in Mokena will do it, but i don't know what place they use and they are also too expensice for us. Our vet taked payments and with our current finacial situation it's our only choice.
This morning I woke up around 8am and it was like I forgot for a few moments she was gone. The closet door was open so I rushed in there to find her, and there was nothing there but her body wrapped in a blanket. I then remembered she was gone. I tried to go back to bed, but instead just cried waking Joe up on accident. After he went back to sleep I heard it starting to rain so I went onto the balcony and I talked to her for few minutes and asked God why? I asked him to give her back to me, but that was pointless. I asked him to take good care of her. After I realized I was getting soaked I went back inside. I dried off and crawled back into bed.
Somehow I fell asleep for a few more hours, but waking up again it hurts just as bad. I didn't want to get up, but I need to eat. I have a baby to take care of. Today marks 25 weeks for me and he's kicking me now letting me know he's here and hungry. I hate that he'll never know here. I always invisioned her sneaking into his room to sleep under his blanket. She was the mama cat, always cleaning and taking care of everyone else. Her heart was so big, it held so much love it was too big for her. She was my girl and even though I love and have my other kitties, she was special. I miss you Lilybean. You were so different from everyone else and only showed your true self to those you trusted. Thank you for trusting me and for allowing me to love you. I'll think of you everyday. You were such a part of everything I did, even down to drinking a glass of milk. I hope heaven knows how lucky they are to have you, I know I did.

My Mother's Day present......Its a boy!!!!!

Things have been crazy busy again, ugh. But they have all been good events. First was Joe's birthday. I tried to surprise him with some Cubs hats, but I bought the wrong size for one of them. That mistake was easily fixed by an exchange. Then we went to BWW and had a nice dinner and he took some days off at the end of the week.
Friday 5/7 my niece turned 1. It's so weird looking back a year ago. So many things have changed. Last year on 5/7 I was thrilled to be able to see my brand new niece for the first time and hold her, but heartbroken and in tears as I drove home with an empty belly due to my miscarriage a little more than a month before that. Now exactly a year later I got to hear my baby's heartbeat and find out he is a he! My family was so happy because the girl streak has finally been broken. My dad kept asking, are you sure?? The answer, yeah it was pretty clear on the ultrasound. Joe's parents are thrilled. His dad already is talking about t-ball and getting the old baseball gloves out.
Joe and I have started looking at baby stuff seriously for the first time in years and even started a registry. I think he had as much fun scanning all the different stuff as I did.
And even though this baby is still in my belly, Joe made sure this 1st Mother's Day was beyond perfect. He took me to a nice lunch and got me the most delicious chocolate covered strawberries where he hand picked out the toppings. And then to top it off he got me a beautiful Willow Tree figurine. I was so amazed at everything he did for me, he knew I have been waiting for this day for so many years and I will remember it for many more.
So today we have been relaxing and will do some more chillin tomorrow, then Wed its back to work.

He are some of the pics from the ultrasound.

Hello 2nd Trimester!

Tomorrow I will be 15 weeks and am feeling quite relieved to have made it this far. My first trimester was full of worry, freak outs, and an almost constant fear this would end horribly. Fears that were only fueled by my constant over analyzing of what my body was and wasn't doing.

Feb 7th, Super Bowl Sunday we were at my sisters house. I was convinced I was cramping and nervous the whole night, but said nothing because I didn't want to worry Joe. The next day before going to take my progesterone I saw some light pink mucus when I wiped. Later that night, there were a few spots on my pad. I freaked, called for Joe and after 15 minutes of debate we were off to the ER. Sitting there for hours in the waiting room was painful and scary. We barely spoke so afraid to set the other one off. I felt like a failure thinking my body had failed us once again. Finally after almost 5 hours of just waiting we got back to see the doctor. He did a pelvic exam and said my cervix was closed and there was no blood to be seen. I felt like I could finally breathe again. They did an ultrasound and blood work as well. The u/s showed the yolk sac measuring 5 weeks, which was right on since I was only 5 weeks and 1 day at this point (even though I thought I was 5 weeks and 4 days). My Hcg was also high 12,267. The doc told me my urine showed that I had an infection and to take it easy for a few days, no lifting, no sex, etc. He said that a UTI can cause mild cramps and some spotting so not to worry. We went home relieved and hopeful once again.

Friday Feb. 12th was my first official OB appt. The appt wasn't until late in the afternoon and I swear that day could not have gone by any slower. But finally we were there in the waiting room, me feeling like a moron because I forgot I needed to give a urine sample and I peed right before I left for the appt. When the nurse called us back I thought I might throw up, but the appt went by quickly and painlessly. The u/s showed a perfect little heartbeat and revealed that I was wrong on my ovulation date, changing my due date from 10/7/10 to 10/10/10. I cried when I saw that little flickering on the screen and didn't want the doc to end the u/s. He printed us out a pic and we decided after dinner we were going to tell his parents.

We stopped at Hallmark and got a picture frame that said Grandchild and put a copy of the u/s pic in it. His parents were surprised to see us, but even more so when we handed them their gift. Dad couldn't stop hugging me and I could tell he was crying a little. It was a great family moment and I can't wait to tell our Lil Pumpkin how much he/she was loved from the moment of creation by not just us, but the entire family.

Two weeks later on March 3rd was my 2nd appt where we got to see the baby again and it's lil heartbeat for the 2nd time. The doc was able to do an abdominal u/s so that was a plus even though we didn't get a pic cuz it was too blurry. At this point the doc said I would start having my appts every 4 weeks since things were going good.

However, with all these positive things my inner worry wort came out again on March 26. Around 1pm I went to the bathroom and was convinced there was pink on my pantie liner and when I wiped. I immediately called Joe freaking out and he was on his way to meet me. I then called the doc and they told me to come in right away. After an agonizing 30 min wait, the doc did an exam and u/s. My cervix was still closed and he saw no blood. The u/s was amazing. The baby had grown so much in just a few weeks. Our Lil Pumpkin was moving around, waving arms, and kicking legs with a strong heartbeat. The doc said more than likely the little bit of blood was from the progesterone suppositories irritating my skin and it had caused some cracking. So he told me to apply cortisone cream a few times a day and voila, problem solved. He told me he was glad I came in instead of stressing out about it until my next appt, but I still felt a bit stupid.

Every Sunday was another triumph as I got close and closer to that 12 week mark and finally on March 28th I was there, but instead of being super excited I had a new worry. I was done with the progesterone and scared something would go wrong. Thankfully nothing has happened and it has now been almost 3 weeks since I stopped taking it. I must say it is nice not having to do it twice a day and now I can sleep on my side when I first go to bed, so that is a definite plus.

My last OB appt was on April 5th. The doc finally used the Doppler and we were able to hear the heartbeat instead of just seeing it. That was the most beautiful sound in the world. The HB was strong at 140 plus our Lil Pumpkin decided then was a good time to start using my uterus as a trampoline. It took the tech about 4 times before they could actually measure the beats. She got the HB right away but then the baby would move and she would have to try again. Just another sign this baby is a fighter.

Since then, the worry has been making its appearance less and less. I have tried to stop analyzing every little thing my body does or doesn't do. I have finally been able to tell all my friends and extended family about the baby and started a registry with a few things. I can't wait until I feel our Lil Pumpkin move and to find out the gender, cuz then that small registry will become filled with clothes and toys and so much more.

w00t! to nausea

I never thought that the feeling like I am gonna puke would put a smile on my face. But yet here I am, just finished dinner and afraid if I move to quickly its all gonna come back up. Up until this point I have only felt a little queasy when I wait to long to eat. Which reminds me of my other new symptom, waking up at 3 am to pee and then fighting to go back to sleep because I feel like I am starving! I know I should prob just eat a cracker or two when that happens but its 3am! I barely make it to the bathroom without running into the wall let alone the kitchen and digging in the pantry for food.
But the crazy thing is the sicker I feel the happier I am, more symptoms has to be good right? I can't wait till the 12th, but am also still nervous about it. But my new fear this week is that this pregnancy is ectopic and I just want that feeling to go away. The lower abdominal pain is still there and more noticable at night. Right now as I struggle not to hurl I am getting little jabs on the right side. They are nothing that makes me unable to function or that doubles me over in pain so it has to be normal uterus stretching. But I have a very imaginative mind and not always in the best way.
I may call the OB nurse tomorrow and ask her about another blood draw and if it would be better to wait on the ultrasound. At first they thought I was further along based off my LMP but I have never O'd on the 14th cycle day and so I am a week and a half back from what they thought when they scheduled it.
So now I am off to find some crackers to try and keep my dinner down.

fighting the nerves

This morning I woke up with a very stuffy nose, which is basically become routine for the past few days. It goes away after a few hours of getting up. But other than that and the occasional indigestion that is my only symptom. So it actually makes me happy not to be able to breathe out my nose in the morning.
I called my doc a little bit ago to find out what my first appt will include and found out they will be doing an ultrasound. I will only be 6 weeks and 1 day. There is a possibility that we will be able to see the heartbeat but there is also the possibility that we won't. It seems too close like last time and I think that is the part that freaks me out. I don't want to leave that doctor's office crushed and wondering what happens next.
These are the times I wish for time machines so I can fast forward and skip the unknown. Because the unknown is the part that makes me nervous.
So tonight I will try to keep the positive thoughts going and continue to tell the little negative voice to shove it.

Where to begin

My TTC journey started in my head for me September 2006 after Joe and I were married. I had already stopped taking birth control 6 months prior and we both wanted to start on our family right away. In October that was halted due to me being diagnosed with Crohn's. So actually TTC started in June 2008 when I was placed on a new med Humira and was given the ok to start by all my doctors. I got pregnant in Feb 2009 but m/c in March.
Since then it has been very long cycles, a few rounds of Clomid, some breakdowns and a break from TTC.
In January I took Soy and we were back on the TTC road again. A few days ago I got that much desired BFP. Now I just have to stop thinking I am going to lose it again. Everyday in my mind I go through a check list on how my body is doing. Do my breasts hurt? Why is there a dull ache in my abdomen? And the list go on and on. It's this constant voice in the back of my head that I am working on really hard to ignore. Thankfully there is another voice that argues back everything is fine. I'm gonna be a mom in October so enjoy every moment. That once I have this baby I will look back at this time and laugh. I will be able to tell my child someday how much they were loved before they were even created.
So this is my ramblings as I struggle to be hopeful and ignore that pesky voice.