Sunday, June 27, 2010

My Lily


This has been a really tough week for me. Thursday my cat Lily was acting even stranger than usual. She's been sick with what we thought was her allergies acting up. But Thursday I had my nieces here and was very distracted all day and didn't check on her because she was hiding under the bed. I had put the food and water in my room because all the kitties were in there since they don't like to come out much when my nieces are here. Thursday night Joe pulled her out from her hiding spot so we could give her, her allergy meds. She was limp and not holding her head up, and could barely swallow the tiny pills she usually has no problem with. We put her next to the food bowls and when she tried to walk away she fell over.
We stayed up all night with her, even though she just laid on a blanket breathing shallow for most of the night. We did doze off around 6am, and when we woke up at 6:30 to get ready to take her to the vet she had moved from her spot. When we found her she had some fight in her and was walking and when we got to the vet she was doing even better. The vet did her exam and said she had a stroke and after an x-ray said the right atrium in her heart was enlarged. But she was opptomistic that the stroke was a small one and she could recover based off how she was acting at the moment. She even ate at the vets, and at one point jumped into my husbands lap and then walked around the exam room, before jumping back into her carrier. We were told to isolate her for a few day to allow her to rest and regain some more of her strength back in her legs. We checked on her even 15-20 mins on Friday. Sometimes she was sleeping, she devoured an entire can of wet food and even used the litter box. She was cuddly and responding to us with her usual raising of her butt when we scratched by her tail. She had a butt button.
I went to bed positive that night, she was going to be on a schedule of baby asprin for the rest of her life to break up the rest of the clot and to prevent more. But she would start to feel even better over the next few days and weeks. At 4:30am I was woken up by storms and since we had the 2nd bedroom window wide open I went to check on her again. She was sleeping in her usual way, not sprawled out like she had no control of her legs again. She liked to sleep curled up with her head resting on her chin. I petted her and she moved her head a bit, but she was asleep and it was normal for her to not pick her head up all the way when she was really sleeping. I closed the window to a crack since the rain was starting to come in. I hated doing it because the room would get stuffy, but I told my self the fan was on and it would only be for a few hours.
When I woke up at 10 my first thing was to check on her and open the window back up. She was no longer under the window sleeping, instead she was face first in a corner by some bins we have stored in there. She looked like she was stuck. When I picked her up, her breathing was shallow and fast. There was drool on her chin and she had her tounge sticking out a bit. I cuddled her in my arm and then tried to get her to drink some water. When I put her down she fell over. I took her to the front room and put her down to get some wet food. She just collasped in a lump on the floor. When I got the wet food she just rested her chin on the bowl and would not eat. It looked like she had had another stroke. After a few minutes of sitting by the bowl, she tried to get up and walk away, she made it a few steps around the corner of the couch, but then her left legs gave out and she fell over as she cried pitifully. I tried to remain calm, but Joe was at work and she was looking almost just as bad as Thursday night.
I scooped her up and brought her to my bed to comfort her. She seemed content on the bed and even though her breathing didn't inprove much, she had a peaceful look on her face. I called Joe and left him know what was going on. I sat with her on the bed for almost and hour. At one point she tried to get up, but her left front leg got stuck under her so she stopped. I thought she was just trying to get more comfortable. She never really liked laying on her side with her legs sticking out, So I helped her with her leg and she just laid her head on her paws. After the hour I moved her further towards the middle of the bed, that way she wouldn't try to jump off and hurt herself. I laid next to her and just petted her for a bit. She whined a little and I checked to see if her bladder was full. As soon as a I did that she started to make a terrible cry. I figured she needed to go potty. I got up to get her off the bed, but I wasn't fast enough, she went right there on my bed, crying the entire time. I called Joe because being pregnant I was scared to touch the poop, but I knew I couldn't let the pee soak in. I got a mask and gloves and picked her up and placed her on a big fluffy towel. I told her it wasn't her fault, it was mine. She just kept whimpering, I knew it was bad if she soiled herself. She was the cleanest cat I had ever owned. She would even cover up the other cats stuff in the litter box. I got everything off the bed and rushed it downstairs to the laundry room, crying the entire time. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her, I wouldn't be for a while.
She seemed much worse after that. Whenever I would pick her up, her head would flop backwards and her mouth would open like she was going to meow but instead her tounge would hand out and she'd start panting like she was hot. Her paws were getting colder and colder. She laid like that until Joe got home around 4pm. we had decided to continue with our plans to go to a friends bday party, deciding it would be good for us to get out of the house. I was already having trouble doing anything but staying with her, I even had to force myself to eat. I just prayed she would fight and get better like she did on Friday. I told her earlier that if she needed to go I understood, but I wanted her to fight. And I wanted her to stay alive until we got home.
We left the house around 5:30pm and both kissed her and said we would be home soon. When we got home at 11pm we walked into the room and turned the light on my heart sank. She wasn't breathing. I dropped to my knees, she was stifff and hard. Her eyes were closed. She was gone. I instantly felt overwhelming guilt at leaving her to die all by herself. Joe said she knew we loved her and that she probaly waited until she left so I wouldn't see her suffer and go. She was a selfless soul and loved me as much as I loved her. I'd like to believe that is what she did, because the guilt of leaving her alone in her final hours is too much on top of the horrid grief I'm feeling right now.
Joe said he would wrap her up in a blanket, but I needed to do it. I had already left her alone. We picked a quilt that she liked to sleep on. I gently lifted her and placed her in the middle of it and wrapped her up. We placed her on top of the shoe boxes in our closet. I know that seems odd, but that was one of her favorite places to sleep. The vet doesn't open till Monday and we will be taking her there first thing to get cremated. The ER in Mokena will do it, but i don't know what place they use and they are also too expensice for us. Our vet taked payments and with our current finacial situation it's our only choice.
This morning I woke up around 8am and it was like I forgot for a few moments she was gone. The closet door was open so I rushed in there to find her, and there was nothing there but her body wrapped in a blanket. I then remembered she was gone. I tried to go back to bed, but instead just cried waking Joe up on accident. After he went back to sleep I heard it starting to rain so I went onto the balcony and I talked to her for few minutes and asked God why? I asked him to give her back to me, but that was pointless. I asked him to take good care of her. After I realized I was getting soaked I went back inside. I dried off and crawled back into bed.
Somehow I fell asleep for a few more hours, but waking up again it hurts just as bad. I didn't want to get up, but I need to eat. I have a baby to take care of. Today marks 25 weeks for me and he's kicking me now letting me know he's here and hungry. I hate that he'll never know here. I always invisioned her sneaking into his room to sleep under his blanket. She was the mama cat, always cleaning and taking care of everyone else. Her heart was so big, it held so much love it was too big for her. She was my girl and even though I love and have my other kitties, she was special. I miss you Lilybean. You were so different from everyone else and only showed your true self to those you trusted. Thank you for trusting me and for allowing me to love you. I'll think of you everyday. You were such a part of everything I did, even down to drinking a glass of milk. I hope heaven knows how lucky they are to have you, I know I did.